When I found out I was
pregnant, I took a cute picture of our shoes to announce the
pregnancy. To get a due date, I googled when a baby should be born
based on the day of my last period. The due date Google gave this
baby was December 31, 2017. I put 2017 in the picture, then everyone
told me, “You should have put 2018!” Then when I got my early
ultrasound to get a due date for my midwife, they told me it was
January 4, 2018. I tried to edit the announcement photo to say 2018
instead, but in my heart I really knew this baby was a December baby,
and I told Ken throughout the pregnancy that this baby was coming in
December, joking that she was coming to help us get more money back
in taxes.
So, I had an uneventful
and uncomplicated pregnancy. I gained about 40-45 pounds, I got a
couple new stretch marks, I learned about chickpea pasta and
magnesium supplements. Then all of the sudden, it was time to deliver
the baby, which I almost did alone without a midwife.
My contractions started
at 7pm on December 30, 2017. From my first labor with Noah, I knew
that I MUST sleep if I was going to be able to have the strength to
deliver without an epidural. I was in denial about the contractions,
and I tried to convince myself that this was just false labor or
early labor and that it could last for days. I went to bed early and
I laid in bed until 7am the next morning. I got 3 hours of sleep that
night, I couldnt rest because the contractions were too painful,
about 10 minutes apart.
At 7am I woke up and
moped around the living room while my husband and 2 year old daughter
stared at me with puzzled looks. Ken went to Whataburger to get me
something yummy to cheer me up, but I just took 3 bites of it and
went back into the bed. I could not move through my contractions, all
I could do was just lay in bed, breathe deeply, and count to ten in
my head to distract myself from the pain. Every time a contraction
would end, I would try to think a positive thought like, “Thank you
for bringing my baby into the world,” “Thank you for helping my
baby come,” Something I had learned from an Ina May book or a
Hypnobirthing mp3.
The contractions were
never in my uterus or in my abdomen at all. I had ALL back
contractions. If you have never had back labor before, it basically
feels like a demon has entered your body, set your lower back on fire
with the flames of the lowest hell, and then right when you cannot
physically handle it anymore, they dig their demon claws down into
your spine, almost snapping your entire body in half. The only way
that I was able to cope with this pain, was by disassociating myself
from the entire labor process. I wasn't mentally there.
Because of my
disassociation with my labor, now I had no idea how far along I
actually was. My husband kept entering the room, telling me things
that I should be doing, I should be stretching, I should be calling
my midwife, etc. Every time he spoke I just shushed him. I could not
listen to any noise. I could not mentally be there. He eventually
grew tired of me shushing him (he had no idea how far along I was in
actual active labor, because all I had been doing was laying in bed
in silence) that he took Noah (our two year old) and went to check
his trapline.
Around noon I texted one
of my midwives and I told her to please call me because I needed a
pep talk. I didn't feel like I could go through with this and I kept
thinking about my hospital birth with my older daughter and how great
it felt to get an epidural and sleep. She called me and basically
gave me instructions on how to maybe switch the babys position so I
would stop experiencing the back labor. I could not physically move
without excruciating pain, so I didnt do these stretches or
positions. I just basically said okay thank you, hung up, and laid in
bed in silence some more.
I remember at one point
saying this prayer: “God, I can't do this. And I definitely can't
do this alone. So you need to be here with me. I need to do this with
YOU, or it wont happen.”
Around 1:30 I texted my
midwives this text: “Can you guys come over to check on me? You
dont have to stay.” Because I was in such denial about how far
along I was in the active labor process, I really convinced myself
that they were just coming over to check my cervix dilation and then
they would leave, and come back when I was in active labor.
I had to pee really bad,
and I wanted to do it before my midwifes got there to check my
cervix. I stripped down and sat on the toliet, then I couldn't get
up. I felt so much pressure, I felt like I was literally holding in
the baby from coming out. I couldn't pee either, I just sat there
helplessly, and every time I moved I was in immense pain. The
contractions were right on top of another, I felt like I had
literally no time in between them, I'm sure they were about every
minute. Suddenly I looked up and my midwives were standing in the
doorway to my bathroom looking like angels. They told me to get on
the bed so they could check my cervix.
It took almost all my
energy to stand up from that toliet. I still remember the way I
walked into my daughters room and laid on the air mattress, with my
legs apart, because it felt like the baby was so, so low. I laid
down, and she checked my cervix.
“Chloe, you are dilated
to an 8, maybe 9. You're going to have this baby within 45 minutes.”
I immediately wanted to
cry, but I had no energy for tears, so I just let out a few whimpers
and sniffles. My husband walked in and said “What do I do?!”
“Fill up the birth
pool.” My midwife told him.
Ken says he ran into the
living room, started blowing up the pool, then ran to the kitchen to
fill the crock pot with hot water, wash clothes, and ginger. Then he
ran back into the bedroom, asking what is happening.
My midwife told him
nevermind about the birth pool, there's no time: I was about to push.
As my husband stood in
the doorway, I felt my body pushing the baby out. It wasn't me
pushing the baby, it was entirely my body. And that scared me, it was
like I wasn't in control of my own body. It was doing this without
me. I tensed up.
“Don't fight it Chloe,”
my midwife told me. Her voice was so calm and happy, it was really
relaxing to hear. She told me to push when I was ready.
I gave one push and my
water bag came out and exploded my waters all over everyone. Then I
gave another push. A student midwife was delivering my baby while my
midwife was next to her, coaching her and I.
“Can you feel the
head?” She asked my student midwife.
“Yes,” my student
midwife said. “It's a hand!”
I gave another couple
pushes and delivered the head. They told me to stop pushing so the
baby could turn. I didn't know what that meant or why, and I had to
keep pushing.
I gave one last push and
the baby was out. She was born with both of her hands up over her
face, which along with my incredibly fast delivery, bruised her face
pretty badly. 24 hours later she was completely bruise-less, thanks
to Arnica (anyone who does not have Arnica in their house, needs to
go buy it asap)
Now my baby was laying on
my chest and I am just in complete shock.
“Talk to your baby!”
my student midwife told me, probably because she could sense I was
confused and, like I said, literally in shock. I just delivered a
baby on an air mattress in my 2 year old's room, for Pete's sake.
I looked at my baby and I
was speechless. I had no idea what to say. The disassociation didn't
just wear off as soon as she was born, I was still really “out of
it”, out of my body, out of my mind—it took a couple hours for me
to really come back inside myself and realize that I just gave birth
to my daughter, Jael Kayleigh Sue Smith.
I called my midwives over
to check my cervix around 1:30pm. Jael was born at 2:49pm.
“You almost had this
baby without us!” My midwife joked.
I always see birth
photography pictures of the mother crying, I bet it must be nice to
really be in that moment when you first see your child, but I was not
in the moment. I was still far away trying to “come back down to
Earth”. Yet, I was still feeling emotion in the moment: I was
feeling successful, and I was feeling grateful, and I was feeling
relief. It was all over, I had a homebirth, and I had a daughter. It
truly took hours to grasp this because I had been in such denial
about it the past 18 hours.
Jael is the perfect baby,
she sleeps all night long in bed with me, dream-feeding only a couple
times from 8pm-7am. She loves being held and walked around the house.
Noah absolutely loves her. At Jael's two week appointment with our
midwife, we found she had already gained 1 pound and grown 1 inch! We
are so happy she is here with us, and we thank everyone who prayed
for us while I was in labor.
Jael Kayleigh Sue SmithBorn at home December 31,
20177 pounds 9 ounces20 inches
